When Personal Loss Reshapes the Holidays

My brother, Damien, died on Christmas day. Three weeks later my grandfather died. Two weeks after that my sister adopted out my newborn nephew. A month later, my parents moved from when I lived to the midwest. It was an impossible time for me. Christmas was changed forever. And has stayed changed. Traditions, rituals, and even relationships have morphed into something new. But it took time to adjust to that. Sometimes the holidays seem so overwhelming, but other years it is more manageable. But my awareness of the increase of my grief is clear.

The Pressure of “How the Holidays Should Be”

It doesn’t always help when we watch movies, are invited to gatherings, or preparing our homes that we have these messages of how the holidays “should” be. How often do we see a commercial of families gathering around the dinner table laughing and sharing? Now how often do those commercials reflect the pain of a person who may be missing from that table? It can make us feel like we are doing something wrong or even making others feel bad by sharing our grief. I’ve heard some people say, “I don’t want everyone else around me feel bad or ruin their holidays. So I don’t say anything and I just kind of push it away as best I can.” It’s complicated…and often results in many conflicting emotions that can feel overpowering.

Well, we have to get through this, right? How? What are some ways to cope with your grief as the holidays approach?

Give Yourself Permission to Feel

The experiences and expectations around these holidays can really trigger some intense emotions and painful memories, which may or may not be shared by others who also are grieving. That’s OK. We all grieve in our unique ways. Some of us are more likely to talk with a person who can hear our pain without trying to “fix it,” while others need time alone to process quietly. Sometimes we even need a combination of both. Follow your instincts and allow your feelings to be as they are. Pushing them down only makes them more intense…kind of like the pressure of a volcano when it cannot let out any of its built up pressure. An explosion, or implosion in this case, can result.

Take Time for Yourself and Maintain a Routine

Finding ways to have boundaries around self-care can make overwhelming thoughts and feelings feel more manageable. If you are taking care of your mind, body, and spirit, in whichever way is comfortable for you, you will have more bandwidth to navigate your grief in healthier ways. Questions to ask yourself are how much time do you want to spend with people? How much social media should you look at? What kind of activities feel too much to handle? And if you change your mind at the last minute, how will you communicate that clearly?

Also, maintaining a routine provides some structure. When you have structure, there can be a sense of feeling grounded. So in a way, that feeling of having an anchor in your daily life with consistent sleep, healthy food, exercise, spending time with your hobbies, meditating, etc., creates a “container.” You find ways to feel like you have space for your grief while also still feeling like you are keeping your life on a healthy track.

Be Patient With Your Grieving Process

In a previous blog, I talked about how grief is not a linear process. We do not go from one stage or another (such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Grief is messy. There are way more emotions than just this simple prescription we are told to believe. Grief circles around and takes turns that are unexpected. It surges and dips down…but all the while we are striving to accept the reality of our loss, find ways to adjust our life to accommodate for all the changes, and remain connected to our lost loved one while also giving ourselves permission to move forward.

This takes time. You cannot force it to go any faster just like you cannot force a flower to bloom before its time. Allowing your grieving process to unfold naturally is the way through. It is going to hurt, and we naturally want to shy away from pain. But grief is the price we pay for love, and I do not think you’d give up all the love you shared just to avoid the grief you have now. Maybe at times it feels that way, and that’s OK as well. But in the end, when your grief is not as intense, you may feel differently about that.

Plan Ahead for the Holidays

Your holidays may need to look different now. Life the way you knew it is no longer, and as a result, figuring out how to adjust to those changes will be part of getting through them. What changes will you need to make? How can you honor your relationship and loved one’s memory while still engaging with the days ahead.

Christmas was HARD after Damien died. Really hard! My grief surges when I approach Christmas…it sometimes even takes me over. I realize there was no way I could work for a few days before Christmas. As a grief specialist, my ability to be there for my clients as they moved through the holidays was reduced. I had to learn to take care of myself and put a boundary around that time even though in my heart I wanted to be there for them too. But that’s just a fact for me now. I’ve learned to be OK with that because I cannot very well encourage others to have boundaries if I cannot put them in place for myself.

One way of managing these difficult times is to put together a ritual. It doesn’t need to be elaborate…or it can be. Whatever you’d like. Include others if you can. If you can do so earlier in the day, it helps to know you have allowed yourself to feel and share your thoughts and emotions and helps the rest of the day be manageable. Focus on reconnection with your loved one, and make sure that when you are done your ritual, you give yourself a few moments to reset and then transition into the rest of the day. It’s important that the ritual be meaningful by including objects or memories. For example, in my ritual for my brother, I always include brownies. Brownies were a favorite of ours in the family, and I have a lot of special memories around making them with my him. So now I make them every single year. I share them with my loved ones, light a candle next to his picture, and tell stories about memories I have of him.

Don’t Go Through Grief Alone

Now, I know I said that sometimes being alone is important. But the research shows that even if you have just one person you can share your feelings with, your grief will likely be easier to manage. There is a saying I love: Joy shared is joy doubled, grief shared is grief halved. That speaks volumes. Reach out to others as you need them so you know you are not alone in your pain. those trusted people you can lean on and let yourself do so. Ask people for what you need.

I wish you the best as you are trying to learn how to do this “new normal.” And remember, if it is feeling like it’s too hard to manage, reach out to a grief specialist who can help you through

The post Grief and the Holidays appeared first on Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy.

Why Rituals Help in the Grieving Process

Research has helped highlight the importance of rituals to help individuals process grief, remain resilient against emotional distress, and ultimately regain a sense of control over a strange new world without the deceased.  Most people tend to associate the term “rituals” with public displays of mourning, such as funerals, wearing black, and other cultural and religious customs associated with death.  But there is a vast bank of lesser-known individual and private rituals to tap into to help one find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life reinvesting energies in new relationships and activities. 

One never has to give up the relationship you have with your deceased loved one, rather, one has to do work to transform the relationship. 

Personal Rituals to Stay Connected With a Loved One

Here are some suggestions that may help achieve this goal:

• Create an altar in your home by placing important items such as totems, pictures, flowers, and candles that connect you to your loved one.
• Light a candle at certain, special times of the day or week to remind you of your loved one (for example, light a candle at the dinner table to represent sharing meals).
• Create a memory scrapbook, box, or area in your home – fill it with photos, letters, notes, and significant memorabilia.
• Spend time listening to your loved one’s favorite music or create a special mix of music that reminds you of that person.  Or watch their favorite movie or TV show.
• Plant a tree or flowers, or build an outdoor bench in your loved one’s memory.
• Donate time or money to a charity your loved one supported.
• Visit your loved one’s burial site.
• Carry a totem – something special that reminds you of your loved one, or that comforts you when things get tough (a worry stone, fidget toy, piece of jewelry) that you can take out and hold when you feel the need.
• Create a work of art (painting, writing, music, crafting) in your loved one’s memory.
• Prepare and eat a special meal in honor of your loved one.
• Meditate, pray, or read healing literature or a sacred text.
• Get a meaningful tattoo to help ritualize and process your grief.
• Make a quilt out of your loved one’s clothing.
• Dive into your loved one’s past – utilize other family members, ancestry services to work out your family tree and dig deep into your loved one’s history.

Ways to Communicate With a Loved One Who Has Died

• Write a letter.  Keep it, burn it, float it in a nearby river.
• Send a helium balloon into the heavens with notes written on rice paper inside or write your messages directly onto the balloon.
• Talk out loud with your loved one.
• Keep a journal.

Ritual Ideas for Holidays and Special Dates

• On birthdays, bake your loved one’s favorite meal or cake and gather friends for a celebration dedicated to your loved one’s memory.
• Acknowledge the presence and importance of your loved one on holidays –  light a candle, display a flower, and/or even set a place at the table for your loved one.  Have everybody at the table share a special memory of him or her.
• On Christmas, decorate with purpose – use items that hold special meaning or memories; incorporate new items if you feel comfortable and hope to create new special meaning and memories.  Hang up a stocking for your loved one.  Buy one new ornament each year in memory of your loved one.
• Purchase a gift for your loved one and then donate it.
• To help reduce holiday stress, create a list of all your usual holiday traditions and what is usually important.  You have the options of returning to these traditions, focusing on what you feel is most important, changing traditions, eliminating certain traditions, or creating completely new traditions.  There is no “right way” to celebrate your holidays.

Learn More About the Benefits of Grief Rituals

• If you are interested in learning more about the benefits of rituals, see this professional publication in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: https://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Publication%20Files/norton%20gino%202014_e44eb177-f8f4-4f0d-a458-625c1268b391.pdf.

The post Grief Rituals and How They Help appeared first on Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy.

While grief effects each person differently, one thing is true for everyone.  It’s not easy.  You may find that things are harder to manage now than they were before.  That is why coping skills are especially important while moving through your grieving process.

One practice that can be particularly helpful for coping with grief is mindfulness.  Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention to the present moment, and being aware of your experience without judgment and without trying to change anything.  Practicing mindfulness can provide a number of benefits including:

• Stress-Reduction
• Relaxation
• Increased energy
• Increased focus
• Self-awareness
• Self-compassion
• Acceptance

Practicing mindfulness is a great way to take a break when you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, upset, or any number of unpleasant emotions.  It can help you to become more aware of what you are experiencing and move away from judging yourself and your grieving process.  It can lead to greater levels of self-compassion as you deal with hard times, thus helping you to be kind to yourself and feel your feelings without judgment.

Mindfulness and Art

Mindful meditations often focus on the breath or sensations in the body as a way of anchoring to the present moment.  Likewise, you can use anything you are experiencing through your senses as an anchor.  Since art engages multiple senses, it is a great way to naturally ground yourself in the present.

When you mindfully create art, the focus is not on what you are creating, but rather on the experience itself.  The more you can let go of expectations of how your art “should” look, the more you are able to be present during the creative process.  Here are a few tricks you can use to help focus less on the product and be present with the process.

Create Abstract Art

Representational art is a depiction of something tangible, usually something that you have seen before.  For example, if I ask you to picture an apple in your head, what do you see?  The image that you have in your head right now is called a schema.  In art, a schema is your blueprint of how something is “supposed to” look.  When your artwork does not match that blueprint, it can lead to judgment.  Since abstract art is non-representational, there is no blueprint with which to compare your creation.  Because of this, you can worry less about the product and focus more on the process.

Choose Materials that Provide Structure for You

Structure can help make art feel more approachable.  This is one of the reasons why coloring has a soothing effect.  The page of a coloring book provides an image for you so that you can focus on the simple tasks of choosing a color and filling spaces with that color.  The lines provide you with structure and containment.  Choosing materials that are clean also helps to add structure to the process.  When coloring, I recommend using materials such as colored pencils, markers, or crayons and staying away from messier materials such as pastels, chalk, or paint.

Ask Yourself, “What am I Noticing?”

During the process, ask yourself, “What am I noticing?”  What are you experiencing through your senses as you make art?  What are you seeing as you add color to the page?  How does it feel to move your arm as you create?  What about the texture of the paper, or the feeling of contact, pressure, or weight of the drawing utensil in your hand?  Does your pencil or marker make a sound as it makes contact with the page and moves across it?  Do you notice any smells, like the wax of the crayon or the ink from your marker?  Maybe your paper has a subtle smell to it.  There is no need to try to force these experiences.  Just notice what you are noticing.

Try it Yourself

Now you have all the information you need to have your own mindful art experience!  Remember, mindfulness is about being aware of your experience without judgment.  As you let go of expectations of what “should” be, you can more fully experience the present moment.  When it comes to mindful art, it’s about the process, not the product.  If you’d like to use mindful art as a way of coping, please feel free to print out this mandala and try some mindful coloring!

The post Mindful Art for Coping appeared first on Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy.