The Immediate Outpouring of Support

The first few weeks were a whirlwind in which my husband and I were tasked with getting all of Dad’s proverbial ducks in a row and tying up the seemingly infinite loose ends. Fortunately, through all of this, there was an overwhelming outpouring of love and support.

Friends and family members called, texted and emailed incessantly. There were cards, flowers, fruit baskets and booze. Groups of friends appeared for impromptu visits, and the attendance at the funeral service was staggering. Hundreds of people arrived to not only pay their respects, but to be there for us.

When the Support Suddenly Stops

Then it stopped.

No more phone calls. No more texts or emails. And definitely no more flowers or visits. What the hell? We chalked it up to people being busy and having lives of their own. That’s understandable. I mean, there was no way people could forget that we just lost our father to suicide.

But over time it became apparent we weren’t on the receiving end of peoples’ forgetfulness. Their memories were intact. The quiet took on a different feel, and it seemed as though people were avoiding talking about our loss. The mention of my dad in conversation appeared to induce uneasy smiles, fidgeting or a swift change in subject.

We were at a loss, and the silence was deafening.

“I Don’t Know What to Say”

So, eventually I straightforwardly asked a friend of 25 years why she hadn’t been reaching out about how we are doing, or more importantly, why she rarely spoke of my dad. Her response was simple: “I don’t know what to say.”

My friend also shared her feelings of anxiety about potentially causing me to have a bad day, or to think about the loss when I otherwise wouldn’t have been. This is a kind sentiment, and one I have heard from numerous others over time. So, my response to all of you caring, protective types is this: Suicide loss survivors don’t forget. The loss is, and will be, with me at all times. It is now an integral part of who I am. I mean, I’m not walking around sobbing, but the void is still there. And that’s okay.

The Role of Stigma in Suicide Loss

As a loss survivor and as a psychologist, I have gained liberal awareness of the prevalence of stigma. That little word is a big bully and likely played a role in the silence we experienced after the loss of my dad, as well as in the lives of countless survivors of suicide loss.

Approximately 90 percent of those who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death. Suicide is not weak, selfish or the result of a character flaw – it is, for lack of a better explanation, a monstrous side-effect of an illness. It is not a wish to die, but the desire to end pain.

Unfortunately, stigmatization and negative attitudes towards mental illness remain prevalent in society. Suicide is prone to stigmatize both the deceased and loss survivors, often leading those left behind to experience rejection, shame and guilt. Many don’t realize stigma does not only manifest in the “typical” overt ways (intentionally hurtful comments, shunning of survivors, judgment of the deceased as weak or selfish), but also presents through more omitting behaviors (avoidance of conversation about the deceased, a lack of interest in the wellbeing of the survivor). Silence in a place where an individual expected support can be the most devastating.

Breaking the Silence Around Suicide Loss

We are strong. However, survivors of suicide loss, especially family members, are at a particularly high risk for depression and co-morbid suicidal ideation and behaviors. Be mindful.

It’s time to fill the silence:

Remember, and speak of those lost fondly and often.

Talk, reminisce, laugh, cry and heal.

Replace your judgment with compassion and understanding.

Open your mind, your eyes, and your mouth.

Reach out to those left behind.

Educate. Advocate. Eradicate stigma.

Be the voice to end suicide.

The post The Silence After Tragic Loss appeared first on Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy.

Anticipatory Grief in Communities of Color

Grief therapists and educators recognize that personal losses are compounded by persistent threats, such as the dangers facing families of color and the anticipatory grief of future losses. How many minority mothers and fathers carry sadness in anticipation that some number of them will lose a son or daughter to police violence?

The Ongoing Toll of Police Violence

Heartbreakingly, Floyd’s name now joins the long list of victims of excessive force used by police and law enforcement officials in America.  To name only the best known cases, Breonna Taylor, Eric Garner, Meagan Hockaday, Michael Brown, Alexia Christian, Philando Castile,Mya Hall, Walter Scott, Miriam Carey, Tamir Rice, Shelly Frey, Alton Sterling, Tanisha Anderson, Stephon Clark, and Michelle Cusseaux, not to mention Trayvon Martin, have joined the list of people of color killed by law enforcement officers. Between 2013 and 2019, a total of 7,666 people in this country have been killed by police. In only 99 of those cases were charges brought against the killer, and in only 25 cases was there any conviction. Statistics show that the darker the color of a person’s skin in America, the greater the likelihood of being victim of police violence.

Racism, Health Disparities, and COVID-19

We at the Center for Grief Therapy and Education feel compelled to speak to the pressing issues of police violence and racism in our country and how they provoke profound experiences of grief. Would that the problem of excessive force were only a story of rogue police officers in the occasional police force.  Unfortunately, the case of police violence against minorities is only one symptom of a much larger disease, that of persistent racism.  COVID-19, which should, in theory, affect all people equally, has killed people of color at a rate more than three times higher than that of white people. Why? Because, in America, the darker the color of your skin, the more likely you are to: grow up poor; lack adequate health care; be denied loans and promotions; live in a community with polluted air and water; suffer from type-2 diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and Alzheimer’s.  

Disenfranchised and Trans-Generational Grief

Many people of color are experiencing grief for indirect, as well as for the direct, losses born by their communities.  Yet our society tends to “disenfranchise” their grief, refusing to openly acknowledge or accept the legitimacy of their feelings of loss.  Grief is regularly reserved for the loss of a “blood relative” excluding those who cannot claim a family tie to the deceased.  Minimizing or even ignoring people’s grief experience, expecting the bereaved to “get over it”, can lead to a wide range of complicated emotions, as well as mental and physical health challenges. It is equally important to acknowledge the trans-generational grief that the African American community suffers. Even though a particular individual may have never suffered enslavement, KKK terror, or lynching under Jim Crow rule, profound feelings of fear, trauma and grief are passed down to each successive generation.

Standing in Solidarity and Seeking Support

The social unrest following the death of George Floyd is an invitation for all Americans to stand in solidarity with everyone who is a victim of racist practices and institutions.  The Center for Grief Therapy and Education will continue to educate the wider community about disenfranchised and trans-generational grieving, and welcomes people of all races to contact us for support with their feelings of loss.

The post COVID, Race, and Collective Grief in the Black Community appeared first on Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy.

COVID-19 has brought it a lot of uncertainty, and this should not be minimized in any way. For many college students, especially seniors, this spring semester will always be one to remember. Students were settled in, anticipating the feeling of enjoying the time that they would spend with their friends. Everyone had their own expectations of how it would go, but unfortunately those dreams were taken away too quickly for anyone to deal with it properly. Moving back home, onto online classes and being away from friends was not easy.

For international students such as myself, being thousands of miles away from home in the middle of a pandemic was frightening. Sitting in front of the faculty of the school, or reading an email that informed students that the residence halls would be closing, and subsequently figuring out what to do was stressful me for and my friends Airports emptied, flights were cancelled, and residence halls were closed within a matter of days, leaving students such a myself with many quick decisions and adjustments to make. Given the overwhelming amount of information my classmates had to deal with, the way in which many coped with it was amazing. They knew that they were all in the same position, they united and helped each other through a difficult time. Saying a “see you later” to those who would not be returning the following year was likely a tough moment for them all.

COVID-19 has brought with it many losses. For seniors, missing out on their last semester with their friends, as well as graduation and everything else that comes with that, was devastating. Grieving that loss is sure to be painful. But there have also been many positive additions that can be taken away from this pandemic. While there may not be the parties and celebrations that many wanted for themselves and others, seniors can now tell the stories of how COVID-19 shaped the end of their schooling and presented them with challenges to overcome.

In times such as these it is important to remember a few things:

• Listen to how you are feeling, and to accept wherever it is that you are. Some people will say that your opinion is invalid since there are people dying due to this outbreak. But your opinions and feelings are valid regardless of the situation.
• Give help and support to others when you can.
• Be grateful for the health of yourself and of others.
• Trust that there will be more fun times ahead.
• Have faith that with chaos and uncertainty comes calm and ease.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay hopeful.

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